A Powerful Question to Ask

Yourself to Avoid Fights.

by Dr. Marty (NJ Marriage


When our partner says or does something that we don’t like or makes us angry

we don’t stop and think what was going on with them.

 The Question that folks learn to ask in Marriage Counseling

A great question to ask yourself when is: “Why would my partner say or do that?”.

 Did they do what they did or say what they said because they were deliberately trying to annoy or even hurt you?

When I ask couples in couples’ counseling“Why would my partner say or do that?”,they seem startled by the question.  They are often even more surprised,  when I suggest that their partner did it just to annoy you.  Sometimes I even get a smile when I ask the question. 

Sure there are times where partners can be spiteful and want to get back at us, but often there’s another reason. 

During couples counseling folks have to learn new responses, rather than attacking their partner they have to reprogram themselves to giving their partner the benefit of the doubt.


A Question I Ask During Marriage Counseling

Here’s what I suggest during our couples counseling sessions: When your partner does something that is troubling to you, after your first response of being upset; STOP and ask yourself: Why did he/she say or do that?”  Avoid making your partner into the bad guy / villain.  If you approach someone with resentment or anger you’ll probably get the same thing back.

Here’s the secret to not having a fight (and what I talk about during couples counseling):

Approach your partner and the situation with curiosity rather than accusations.


A lesson learned from Marriage Counseling Our partner isn’t the bad guy they just see things differently


I have written “Negotiation Handbook for Couples” to help you smooth over some of the rough spots in your relationship.  In this book are many of the techniques that I use during marriage counseling sessions.

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