Dealing with Anger and Fighting in a Relationship

In this blog, I want to stress that other people don’t force us into being angry. When we are angry we need to realize that no matter what the other person does we are the ones that are responsible for our own anger, how long we hold on to it, as well as how appropriately or inappropriately we express our anger.

The place to start would be to rate your own anger on a scale of 1 to 10.  If you are over a 7, you may need to leave the area so that you can cool down because over a “7” means you are in a fight and hurt mode and the results can be disastrous.

When you realize you are angry, stop and take a deep breath and let it out very slowly.  This will help your body slow down so that you are not in an attack mode and will give you a chance to collect yourself, and a time to have some constructive self talk (which I will discuss in the next paragraph).

Self talk is what we say to ourselves.  The next suggestion involves us telling ourselves constructive/positive things to point us in the right direction. One thing you could say to yourself is:  “I am allowing “Jane” (the person you are angry with ) to make me angry by telling myself ….. .  Jane may have done the wrong thing but our anger probably won’t change Jane’s behavior or even what she said to you.  Self talk can be a very effective strategy in curbing our anger, slowing us down and putting us in a calmer state so that we do not make things worse.

We not only make ourselves angry but in some ways we decide how long we will be angry.  We tell ourselves “I will never forget / forgive Jack for ……,, (what he has done to us)

One of the most toxic forms of anger is grudge holding.  The longer you hold the grudge the more difficult it is to find a solution.

It is important to realize that anger hurts the one who holds on to it more than it hurts the person we are angry at.  It takes up our energy, makes us negative, and can even cause us to have physical health problems which we need to try and avoid at all costs.

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