Dealing with Anger and Fighting in a Relationship
Dealing with anger and fighting is an important part of any relationship
In this blog posting I will discuss what is involved in anger and suggest one strategy to deal with that anger you can find more suggestions in my Relationship Rescue Manual
Let’s begin with some questions that you can ask about anger and your relationship
- How well do we fight with each other?
- Do our fights leave scars that are not easily forgotten or don’t heal at all?
This question has two sides to it: side one is how well do we handle our partner’s anger, and side two is how well do we handle our own expression of anger . Often times, I will have someone come to me because their partner feels so overwhelmed by their anger that they tell me that they just don’t want to be together any longer.
When we are very often when we are angry we also stop thinking and our anger controls us. We say things we later regret and that even make things worse. The first question we should really ask ourselves is “What do we hope to accomplish by having this anger?” Too often anger is a knee jerk response and has nothing to do with solving our problem. Some people believe that it might make the other person change, they may want them to feel the hurt and pain as they do, or even try and control them.
What many people hope is that if the other person knows how angry they are maybe they’ll be different, or maybe they will apologize. Again, it is unusual that heart felt remorse comes from anger. What usually happens is that anger makes the other person more distant, angrier, or just fed up with the situation.
A place to start getting results would be from a calm, secure place that doesn’t attack the other person. What we often do is blame them. I have found that blame always generates more anger and counter accusations which only hurts communication.
What I will cover in my next blog in the next few days is a different way of looking at anger and several simple things one can do to relate to their own anger.