Dealing with Infidelity – Answering an  e-mail question

For the first time since I began my blog, I am going to answer one of the emails I got from someone asking me how to handle a problem that they are facing in their relationship. 

 I recently, got this email from “Christina” talking about questions she had about whether she should stay or leave her boyfriend who was cheating on her.  (Please note my answers are italicized)

Christina starts her email by saying:

I just found out a few days ago that my boyfriend has been cheating on me…In fact he has been cheating with me. I am the “outside woman”.

First of all Christina, I bet there were signs that he was cheating on you.  Here are some questions that someone can ask to get an idea as to whether or not your partner is unfaithful.  

  1. Are they clear about where they are when there’re not with you? 
  2. What is the quality of your “intimate life”;
  3. Do you fight a lot?
  4. Does your partner seem different from when you were first together.

 Christina goes on to say:

We started our relationship in January, but apparently he has had a relationship with another girl for a few years now. I went through his face book messages after I had been suspicious of how he didn’t want to put up a relationship status or let me meet his family.

I realize that you love him, but did you set boundaries?  If you did set limits were they set and followed up or just argued about? 
Christina continues:

He says that I am the one he loves; he says that he has broken up with the other girl for me. He says that he is sorry for what he did, but I think that he is only sorry that he got caught.

What is he willing to do to prove that he is really sorry?

Is he willing to be more open about where he is?

Is he willing to introduce you to his family?

Is he willing to go to a counselor with you? (I know he says he will but see if he is willing to both follow through

and to pay for the counseling)
What should I do?

Set boundaries with him, as discussed above.

Figure out what you need to be reassured that he is willing to work on regaining your trust.

Most importantly be willing to let go, if you get those strong feelings that something is wrong.


Sometimes I feel like I love him…other times I just totally hate him for what he has done to me.

It’s not about loving him it’s about being able to trust him.

This is not the first time that I have been cheated on. He is the third boyfriend that has cheated on me. I am beginning to think that maybe I am doing something wrong. Why do men continue to cheat on me? Please don’t place all men in the same category, like woman there are ones that can be trusted and ones that can’t.  The goal is to figure out which is which.


There are two questions I would have you ask yourself,

1. Do I trust my instincts and then do I follow them?

2. Can I set limits and enforce them?



I want things to work for us, but I don’t know if I can ever trust him again. Our entire relationship was built on lies.

He said that he is willing to go to counseling with me.
Should I stay with him? Or should I work things out?

Try counseling and the other suggestions that I’ve made and take it one step at a time.  Ask yourself, is my love stronger than my distrust.  If you really really don’t think you can ever trust this guy, end the relationship now!! If you really really love this guy, don’t decide yet; just see how things go in counseling and what your instincts tell you about how things are unfolding during the healing period.


As folks send me other emails, I will be glad to respond to those that I think might be helpful to other people as well


Good luck, looking forward to hearing from you

Dr. Marty

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