Dr. Marty’s Five Steps to Handling Arguments Effectively
Below are 5 steps that I teach folks in therapy, to use to deal with anger that is generated from arguments that occur between them and their partner.
Sometimes folks can apply these steps on their own and sometimes I have to
help them in therapy to use this process. I offer this to you so you can start by trying this on your own.
_____________________________________________________________________
Step 1. Breathing awareness – notice your breathing
and then take 5 deep slow breaths
Step 2. Think about: What story are you telling yourself about your partner? Are you condemning them are you righteous (i.e. How dare they?)
Step 3 Ask yourself, “What response would I like to get from
my partner? Is your behavior likely to get that response?
Attitude Check: Are you ready to go to the next step?
Step 4. You can test if you are ready to go to step “5” by honestly answering questions “A” and “B” below.
A. My partner is completely wrong (you need “7” or better to go to the next step)
1………2………3……….4……….5………….6………7……….8………..9…….10
agree disagree
B. I am completely right (you need “7” or better to go to the next step)
1………2………3……….4……….5………….6………7……….8………..9…….10
agree disagree
To be able to go to the next step you must genuinely be able to
have circled at least at least a “7”, that is you must be able to say to your
self that: “ I know that my partner is not totally wrong and that I am
not completely right.” You must really be able to say:
“I do see my partner’s point”, to go the last step.
Step 5 (The last step). See if you can, even though you may totally disagree,
without being sarcastic or judgmental be able to state your
partner’s thinking. You know you have done a good job understanding
if you ask your partner: Have I been able to say why you think that … ?”
and see if your partner can say that: I know you understand even though you do not agree.
This is not an easy process, but once you have mastered it you will have taken a giant step in stopping arguments from getting ugly and be on you’re your way to having a loving relationship.
Dr. Marty