How to Have a Happy


Dr. Marty (NJ Marriage Counselor)


Some questions I ask in couples counseling

During marriage counseling I ask people what they want for their relationship. One answer that I constantly get is “I want to be happy.”  Folks think a little longer and their second respond is: “I want a partner who will love me.”

As we move forward in couples counseling, people are helped to realize that one of the “rules” of a relationship is:  to get love you have to have your partner feel loved.

Some questions I get in response during marriage counseling

There are some folks will ask: “What if I’ve already tried that?” or “No matter what I do he/she doesn’t respond so what’s the point?”  Those are great questions and one that takes some work to resolve and that is where couples counseling or  marriage counseling comes in. This specific blog entry is for couples who are not in serious trouble it is for those relationships that need just a little help to keep things on track.

When working on major issues in couples counseling, what is the first question I ask?

The first question I ask couples, when they come for marriage counseling or couples therapy, who have major issues is:  “How clear are they with their partner when asking them for what they need?” The second question I ask is: “How clear are they about what their partner really values and needs?”

Sometimes I ask a couple as part of marriage counseling to make a list of 2 things that will make them feel loved. I also ask during our couples counseling: “How clear are they about what their partner wants?” I ask them to make the same list for their partner. Once they’ve made those lists,  I ask them to have a discussion  with their partner about these two lists.  The outcome of this conversation can be great for the relationship and a good way of diagnosing how strong the relationship actually is.

What I also ask in the early stages of couples counseling

On the other side of the coin, I ask a couple what have they done to make their partner’s feel loved; or in the early stages of couples counseling I ask what have they done to work on the relationship.  Often times people get so involved in every day life they forget to take the time to do make their partner feel cared about.

An important note: It is essential for folks who are involved in marriage counseling or couples counseling to actively practice things that they have learned during our sessions


Couples get so involved in the business of life the forget to live it.  The work of marriage counseling is to remind them to live and spend time and energy taking care of each other  Dr. Marty


Lessons learned from Marriage counseling “Take the time to give and receive from your partner”  Dr. Marty






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