Out of Character: Surprising truths about the Liar, Cheat, Sinner (and Saint) lurking in all of us. By David DeSteno and Piercarlo Valdesolo (Part I)
Being a Couples / Marriage Counselor the idea of people having good character or being out of character comes up all the time, especially when we are dealing with infidelity. A common response that partners have when they find out they’ve been cheated on is that is so much not like me or conversely that is so much like him / her.
Thinking about character is complicated thing. It is possible that good people do bad things and on the other side that bad people do good things. It is made even more complex when often times we like to think of ourselves as being of good character, that is not being liars or someone who would cheat someone. What adds to this complex issue is how outraged we become when we are cheated, lied to or stolen from.
The authors have cited and conducted numerous studies where people’s character was tested with some interesting results. The bottom line to their findings is that we humans do not always behave in a way that shows that we will always do the right thing. For me, I would like to think that given moral choices that I will always take the high road and so the findings of this book apply to other people, but to be really honest, I’m not always sure that my choices / decisions will always show that my character is a good one The best I can say is that we are all “works in progress” and though we may stumble sometimes, we try to do it better next time.
In my next blog I will talk about how the authors have taken a scientific perspective on good and bad character.
What makes a man cheat when he has a good woman and a good relationship..out of character yes he is, since 2 years..
Please see my Blog post for August 16, 2012 for my response.
Here is the answer that I gave in my book: Healing from the Trauma of Infidelity. You can find out more about this if you go to:
In some cases people have stopped loving their partner, but sometimes staying comes from loneliness, anger or even boredom. These reasons don’t justify being intimate with another person, but it is important to understand the root cause, before folks are able to work on fixing the problem. If you just assume that there is no love, then that automatically may end the marriage.
Relationships that have been scared by infidelity may have a chance for recovery if the partners realize that the reasons that triggered the infidelity can, over time, with lots of effort can be effectively be gotten past.
We just saw the movie “Hope Springs” and thought it would interest you. It opened both of us up into a lengthy discussion about ourselves as we ate dinner out. We found it a spring-board into relating, or not, to the people and problems in the movie in a non- thretening way, as we held hands across the table for about 45min. after we had finished eating. See you this Thurs. Roberta