Surprised By Love: Lessons Learned
By Dr. Jay & Julie Kent Ferraro
In addition to “Surprised By Love” being an inspiring book that people can read, the Ferraro’s share what they call “Wisdom Learned” Below are examples of what valuable insights in the rebuilding and maintenance of what I call “Infidelity Proofing” your relationship.
The first rule the Ferraro’s put forth is: “Put your marriage first”. Too often couples make being together the last priority. Spending time together is often set as a last priority, something they will do later, or with whatever time is left over. In reality, you either make the time or loose the relationship.
Another thing they say is: “Soul mates aren’t found they’re created”. In this case I only agree with them 80%. I think we can find people who we are deeply drawn to and that connection is more than sexual. Having said that, the authors’ and I are on the same page, in that, just because there is a strong connection, that connection has to be nurtured. If you are with someone who is not your soul mate, you can still be connected to them positively and grow to love them. However, you have to take responsibility for your actions. Partners have to focus on what is right about their spouse, rather than focusing what’s wrong with them.
Love grows from understanding and accepting and without that even soul mates get divorced.
The last point in the book that I will mention is:
“Be the change in your relationship”. From very personal experience, I got “the seal of approval” from my partner when she said to me “Marty, you’ve changed a lot since we first met, (that was over 20 years ago).” Even though I think I’ve changed there are still areas with which I am struggling. The hardest part for me is when I’m angry at my partner not to condemn her. I will confess that I’m pretty good at that, but only after I get over my righteousness, admitting when I am wrong. The first sentence in my head is: “What’s wrong with her.” – I am pretty sure she has the same sentence in her head about me. When I do calm down, then I work at thinking “What’s right with her.” And I’m grateful to say that there is a long list.
There is a lot more in this section as well as in the book, “Surprised by Love”. I urge you, if you would like to get insight into your relationship, even if you’re not dealing with an affair, to go along with the Ferraro’s in their healing journey.