What To Do When You Loose Your Attraction for Your Partner
Here are my answers to Sam’s question from yesterday.
(See question below). I have re written my take on what I think is going on and then my answer. I want to thank those of you who emailed me yesterday and today with your thoughts and suggestions. Based on the response I got I might do this again. It seems as if a number of folks can relate to this question and several people have some definite ideas of how to handle not feeling attracted to your mate. I also cover this in more detail in my book “The Essential Guide to Lasting Relationships”
And will be sharing excerpts from that book in future blogs.
I recently got this question from “Sam”
My husband and I have been together 7 yrs , married for 4 yrs…
I have been questioning my feeling towards him lately. I don’t feel attracted to him and it’s breaking my heart. I love him into pieces…what should I do?
Often times when couples loose their attraction for one an other one of three things happen.
- There has been some important disagreement(s) that have never been worked out and resentment has built and that has caused an emotional distance between the couple
Answer: If there are some issues that have been ignored or denied take some time and figure out what they are. Once you have targeted the issues then spend some time figuring out how you want to approach them. Check with your partner if they feel that way as well. See if you can come up with at least understanding your partner’s point of view or at best a compromise that can make you both happy.
After you have tried my suggestions let me know how they have worked. If the feelings still haven’t come back then email me what the issues are and let’s see if we can tackle them together.
2. The couple has taken each other for granted without making time together special and meaningful.
Answer: Handling the issue of taken each other for granted can be handled by putting time aside on a regular basis to connect with each other. Also putting time aside to just “check in” with your partner about how they are doing. Are there things on their mind that are troubling them that they would like to either input on or just to share. When people emotionally connect on a deep level the physical attraction has a good chance of returning
This is not quite a comment, but more another question about the same issue. I am not attracted to my partner anymore, but most of it is due to the physical attraction part of it. We have been married 34 yrs. We are getting old and are both showing it. He has become overweight, and his appearance, both his face and body, have changed very much from the time we met when I was sexually attracted to him. I believe he does care somewhat about his weight but still does not watch his diet like I do, and does not excercise to loose the extra weight. Even if he DID, his face has changed so much, I wouldnt put him through all that dieting just to find out it didnt matter much to me. He could never get back to what he used to be, he has tried in the past. I am just not physically attracted to him. It’s only love when we DO IT! I wish it were different, but that’s the case with me. He does not WHAT IT THAT WAY!!!!!!!!! I wish there was something I could do, because that KIND of desire is just not there for me. I feel extremely quilty about this!!! Is there something I can do, (a plan of action that could be met) that would work better for ME? Thanks for listening.
I agree that a plan of action is important, now it’s time to talk with a professioal about developing a plan of action. You need an outside, trained
professional to help you not only develop the plan but to see how well it’s working and to help you figure out how to make the necessary adjustments to do
what it takes to help you figure out how to make things work. You can go to my free short video on YourMarriageCounselor.com and learn how to pick a good counselor.
Good luck and let me know if I can be of additional help