A Dangerous Myth: If I Don’t Have A Problem Then There isn’t any thing to Talk About. (Part II).
So when we left our couple last time they were stuck, one person was upset with things that were going on in the relationship and the other partner wasn’t, so the question in counseling is “What happens next?”
During our session I explained that: “If one partner stonewalls the issue, that is, refuses to talk about a problem the upset partner will either withdraw and not communicate or be irritable because something is bothering them.
People sometimes feel that if you talk about things that will only make them worse and sometimes that may be the case. Another way to look at that perspective is, it’s not the talking that makes the situation worse, its how people communicate with each other. If folks are judgmental and attacking there will be an explosion. What happens during my work with couples is partners learn what to and what not to say so that talking is not an act of war but a way of solving problems and healing hurt feelings.
In short if one person has an issue in the relationship then there is a problem.
I shared my thoughts with the person who made the original statement that “They didn’t have a problem therefore there was nothing to discuss” and to their credit they understood the logic and reality behind that and together the three of us were able to have a productive meeting and begin the journey of healing the wounds of the relationship.