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About Negotiation.: Three different types of negotiators

To have a good relationship you must know how to negotiate with your partner.  I will periodically,  be making entries on my blog about negotiation from my book

Negotiation Handbook for Couples: From conflict to connection.

As a starting point,  this blog entry will give you insight as to the different types of negotiators and their style of negotiation. It may also give you an idea as to what style you use. **

Typically, there are three types of negotiators: “Attackers,” “Pleasers,” and “Avoiders.”

“Attackersare those folks who figure the best defense is a good offense.  Attackers are aggressive and figure that if they get their partner to agree with them verbally, they will have gotten their partner to do what they want. They are wrong.  When a partner gives in to the “Attacker,” the partner that gives in is usually resentful and often keeps score. Later when there is a problem in the relationship, the resentment comes out.


“Pleasers” need to be liked.  Many of us have a need to be a pleaser and will “go along to get along.”  That can be a problem if we start to keep score:  “I did this for you, so you should do this for me.”


Often relationships don’t work that way.   What usually happens is each issue stands on its own unless the couple has formally agreed otherwise.  If I went out of my way to pick up something for you yesterday, you may or may not be able to pick up something for me today. There is a difference between keeping score and being fair.


Being fair is something that both parties in the relationship have to agree upon, and keeping score is something we do on our own according to our own rules. If you are going to do something special for your partner, it has to be done with a “no strings attached” attitude.


“Avoiders want to avoid conflict.  They want to have things run smoothly and hate to argue. It’s just easier to give in.  Attackers have to be really careful if they are coupled with an “Avoider,” because sooner or later the “Avoider” will feel resentful and taken advantage of, and that will cause scars in the relationship.  Often those wounds fester until they infect and really damage the couple.


In my subsequent blogs I’ll be offering a desired style of negotiation, that I call “Collaborators” that will be more effective that the three styles that I have mentioned.


* This material is taken from mu soon to be published book “Negotiation Handbook for Couples: From conflict to connection

If you are interested in purchasing a copy when it is completed please send me an email: drMarty@comcast.net

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