In a previous blog post, I sighted Anger and Fighting as first on my list of things that stand in the way of having a thriving relationship with our loved ones.
How well do we fight with each other? Do our fights leave scars that are not easily forgotten or don’t heal at all.
How well do we handle our partner’s anger and our own? Often times, I will have someone come to me because their partner feels so overwhelmed by their anger that they tell me that they just don’t want to be together any longer.
A question we should really ask ourselves is “What do we hope to accomplish by having this anger?” Some people believe that it might make the other person change, they may want them to feel the hurt and pain as they do, or even try and control them.
What many people hope is that if the other person knows how angry they are maybe they’ll be different, or maybe they will apologize. Again, it is unusual that heart felt remorse comes from anger. What usually happens is that anger makes the other person more distant, angrier, or just fed up with the situation.
A place to start getting results would be from a calm, secure place that doesn’t attack the other person. What we often do is blame them. I have found that blame always generates more anger and counter accusations which only hurts communication.
When we are angry we need to realize that no matter what the other person does we are responsible for our own anger.. A place to start is to complete the sentence “I am allowing “Jane” to make me angry by telling myself ….. . Jane may have done the wrong thing but our anger probably won’t change Jane’s behavior or even what she said to you.
We not only make ourselves angry but in some ways we decide how long we will be angry. We tell ourselves “I will never forget / forgive Jack for ……,,
It is important to realize that anger hurts the one who holds on to it more than it hurts the person we are angry at. It takes up our energy, makes us negative, and can even cause us to have physical health problems.