I’ve Cheated On My Partner, How do I Rebuild the Trust? (Save your relationship from infidelity)
The issue of infidelity is something that can be healed, with help from couples therapy.
I got the following question from someone who visited my site and asked me a question which folks can do in “Ask Dr. Marty” section on my home page.
The question about infidelity:
Dear Dr. Marty:
Me & my fiancé are having problems! I cheated on her in the summer of 2011. I propose to her in December! But she’s still bringing up the issue of me cheating! How can we survive?
Dr. Marty’s answer:
Here is what I tell folks in couples therapy when dealing with the issue of infidelity:
First, I would start with asking your fiancé what would make her feel reassured going forward?
Second, I would make an effort to be as open as possible about where you are when you’re not with her, your texts and your phone.
Your fiancé wants to make sure her heart isn’t broken and that she’s not being made a fool of.
If nothing you do seems to help, it may be time for couples therapy.
It is time for counseling if nothing you do seems to help, because there may be something going on that the two of you are not able to put your finger on, aside from the issue of infidelity.
You can find out more on Marriage Counseling and How to Save Your Relationship in this blog series:
For additional information on how to save your relationship, dealing with infidelity, and other issues of trust, you can go to my three part series(click here) : How to Rebuild Trust
For you my blog audience
What would your advice be? You can answer here or send it to me privately. The first three people who send me an answer today or tomorrow will get to pick one of my downloadable books for free.
You can also learn a lot more from my book:
Healing From The Trauma of Infidelity: for the unfaithful partner
I’ve seen both outcomes form this scenario..the ones that split and the ones that stayed together. For the ones that stayed together, it took a lot of work to rebuild that trust. So I think the first question is…how hard to you want to work to keep this together and if you think that devoting that energy and time will heal you.
My advice would be this. Marriage does not solve problems; it only magnifies problems that already exist. So, if you are having these types of issues already, why are you getting married? Did you ask her to marry you because you felt guilty? To hopefully stop her from bringing up these issues anymore by easing her conscience by having a ring on her finger? To make a marriage work it takes trust – something you have ruined already. Perhaps you can get it back, but marriage is hard enough when you start off on solid footing. She should move on and find someone who can be committed to her.
Thanks for your response, I agree with you
Thank you Jacqueline and Susan for your responses. Marriage, like anything worthwhile, needs to be something we work at. There are no “free passes.”
Thanks again for taking the time to comment,
Hello; followed you here from google plus group. I wonder if you may not be limiting yourself. it seems that trust lack of trust or broken trust is a key part of all relationships not just romantic ones. thinking you might be able to offr help to people in business too. you gave him good advice. best of luck, max
Headed over to read this because I thought it would be helpful to a friend going through a similar situation in a marriage. It’s such sound advice and even though they are in couples therapy, I feel your early explanation of WHY the betrayed needs such reassurance might be so helpful. Thanks.
From reading your site http://theblindblogger.net it seems as though you have gone through a number of betrayals and trust has been a real issue for you that you have had to deal with to move forward in your business.
Thanks for the suggestion, I believe that a lot business is driven as much by emotions and “psychology” as it is by money.
This is an interesting discussion that I would like to pursue and get your point of view. Thanks again for your comment.
I read your “Introvert/ Extrovert” blog and liked it and got me thinking about how either an introvert or an extrovert might respond in a relationship if they felt betrayed.
An introvert might just “swallow their feelings” and store up resentment.
An extrovert might attack their partner.
Getting beyond a personality type and understanding, communicating and figuring out what to do next is what is necessary to make a relationship get past distrust.
Next week’s blog will deal more with the issue of how to handle a partner that cheats.
I appreciate your comments,
Guess I’m an extrovert then, which I think is a lot better than allow the feeling of betrayal to fester into something else.
I have this belief that once a cheater always a cheater, which makes rebuilding trust a moot point for me. If I was the culprit, I won’t trust me either, ever.
I have to respect your point of view, when you’ve searched your heart and that’s where you find yourself, then unfortunately, divorce is the only course. Having said that some people may see things differently. I have worked with couples over the years where the relationship and the love was strong enough to get past the trauma of infidelity.
If there is curiosity about how this is done you may want to look at my
two books: Healing From the Trauma of Infidelity – One is for the faithful partner and one is for the unfaithful partner