How to Negotiate with Your Partner
Things Not to Do In Negotiation and How Words Make All The Difference in The World. Taken from: “Negotiation Handbook for Couples: From conflict to connection (Part 2 of 2 part series) In addition to this book being downloaded it is also available in Kindle Format on Amazon.
Below are seven things that you should not do when negotiating with your partner.
1. Don’t criticize or judge the other person or his perspective. If you disagree you can say something like: “I don’t see it that way” or “that’s one way of looking at it.”
2. Don’t cut the other person off (tip: write down what you want to say or something your partner said that you want to respond to so you don’t forget it and so you can get it off your chest)
3. Don’t lecture the other person–make your point quickly. If you are speaking for more than three minutes, the other person stops listening. Remember the best way to communicate with someone is to talk with him not at him. As a couples’ therapist, I have seen one partner talk non-stop, not even aware of his partner’s response, and then be upset that the partner did not respond to him.
4. Don’t list what has gone wrong in the past. (Keep things on a positive note.)
5. Don’t blame the other person.
6. Focus on the problem not the other person.
7. Disengage if you are both starting to get angry.
Using the “Right Words” in Negotiating make all
the difference in the world below are 4 important words that if used correctly will make a tremendous difference in the outcome of your negotiation.
1. Use “I” and take ownership of what
2. Ask rather than state your idea. You can do that by saying: “What if….” Or, “Which do you think is better?”
3. The Bad “Buts”
Whenever you say something to your partner that is followed by a “but,” you have just negated and cancelled out what you previously said.
For example if you say to your wife, “I love you, but you are really sloppy,” what she hears is, “You are sloppy;” and the love part is lost. In another example, if you say, “I’m looking forward to going out tonight, but I’m really tired.” Your wife hears “I’m really tired,” and thinks you don’t really want to go out with her.
4. The Good “Yet”
On the other side of the communications coin there are some wonderful words such as “yet” or “right now.” If you use this word and really mean it, “yet” can be a powerful, positive force when communicating with your partner.
For example, the impact is much different if your wife asks you to listen, and you respond, “I’m overwhelmed right now and not ready to listen to you “yet,” than if you say “I’m too upset and can’t listen to you.” Your “yet” or “right now” statement is clearly implying that there will be a time in the future when you will be able to listen.
Right now I am working on something completely different for my blog entries for next week. Next week,
I will be discussing Bi Polar Disorders(BPD); a definition of BPD, suggestions for someone married to a person with BPD, how to manage BPD for the person who has the disorder.