Keeping Judgments to a Minimum
This is an excerpt from my “Relationship Rescue Manual”
Another key element in making relationships work is having verbal exchanges that are non-judgmental. When we were growing up we often heard judgmental types of message from our parents. They would say things such as: “Don’t be lazy, do your homework;” or “What’s wrong with you, can’t you listen to anything I say?” It’s easy, if not natural, to pick up habits based on our childhood experiences and often, we don’t even realize that we are being judgmental.
Judgmental types of communication are also triggered when one partner is feeling hurt or angry. When we feel that our significant other is negatively judging us, we feel diminished and devalued and the result is a defensive or passive-aggressive response. We also stop listening and the argument and bad feelings are no longer about the original subject of discussion but are about “ego repair.” We actually become focused on trying to feel better about ourselves. These are the difficult times because negative statements cannot be taken back, even if we make an apology. It can take a great deal of repair work to fix the damage done by disparaging ego statements.
Ego repair can be an extremely difficult task and the offenders will have their work cut out for them. They will need to modify their behavior or their partners will continue to respond in a negative manner and feel emotionally damaged as well. It can also be difficult for those who have been offended. They are the injured party and yet if they say something hurtful in return, they too are now responsible to do some ego repair. The offended partners are in a real bind; they are the ones who have been injured and yet cannot sit back and do nothing.
Now that you have some basic information about relationships, it is time to start your journey toward the ultimate goal – the “Rebirth Stage.” Be mindful though, that it is not about “fixing” things so your relationship returns to where it used to be. It is about creating something far better; a relationship full of trust, security and passion and ultimately, a deeper love.
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Please feel free to comment on my article, or if you are interested in purchasing my “Relationship Rescue Manual ” you can go to: http://yourmarriagecounselor.com/rescue/