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My Wife Has Asked Me to Leave Our Home, Should I Stay or Leave?


Here is a letter I got from a blog reader asking for advice as to whether or not to stay or leave his home because his wife asked him to leave and my answer to his question


Dr. Marty,

hello, my Wife of almost 14yrs. has said I am no longer in love with you, and I want a divorce, I myself am so angry that this is happening to me, and it hurts really bad because of this, one reason that I can think of that this has contributed to this decision, is a depression I was going thru about 3yrs. ago, and because of this I was also obese, and hardly talked to her and anybody else, and as a result I have constantly pushed away her and others, this also includes my family as well, however since then I have changed, including losing a lot of weight, we even went for counseling for a year, she stated that she saw no change in me, mostly communication wise, and because of this the damaged was done, and nothing that I can say or do will change her mind about us, I don’t feel I can’t let her go, some days I feel I still have hope for us, otherwise she has no hope for us, and has stated this many times, now I am looking to move-out, not by my choice, I can’t bare this feeling of being w/o her, I am & will feel almost completely lost w/o her as well, not sure what to do,? or should I just leave? and never lose this soon fading Hope I have for us, I will not & can not seek another person & or partner in my life, this is due to my personal Faith based beliefs, and I feel I would be committing adultery by doing so, I just don’t understand, last I knew we both agreed for Better or for Worse, I hope to hear from you soon Dr. Marty…


Hi Joe,

If you are committed to your relationship, I would not move out.  I wouldn’t make it easy for someone to do something that I don’t want them to do.

The question is what you do while you are in your home.

Here is what to do while you are at home:

  1. Use the time you are at home to think long and hard about why your wife is no longer connected to you.
  2. Go to a counselor on your own, to help you sort out what’s going on.
  3. Give yourself six more months of intensive work on your self (you might want to keep a journal of your thoughts, awareness, and your changed behavior) and then if nothings changed,
  4.  Work with your therapist on how to let go of a relationship that clearly isn’t working after you’ve given your best effort.


I’ve developed my “Strength of Relationship Quiz”, which will give you a snap shot of what’s going on in your relationship. Let me know if you’d like a copy and I’ll be glad to send you a copy of it. (Note to my readers – if you are reading this blog and would like a free copy I’ll be glad to send you one as well, just send an email to:drmarty@comcast.net and on the subject line put: Strength or Relationship Quiz)


The key here is looking at yourself as well as getting a better understanding of what’s going on with your wife.


In summary, give it your best shot with a therapist on your own (of course if your wife wants to join you that would be terrific, but don’t wait for her to move forward). If that doesn’t work then figure out how to separate rather than living a life that will bring misery to you, your wife, and everyone around you.




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