888-281-5850 drmarty@comcast.net

The Fine Art of Disaggreeing in An Agreeable Way

The purpose of these tips is to make a good relationship better, to help you keep things running well.

Do couples have to agree about all, most, or some issues to have  a good relationship?

We know that most problematic issues (69% – see Dr. John Gottman’s research) do not get solved, they get managed.  Successful couples “agree to disagree, with out prejudice.

Happy couples are respectful of differences and realize that there way is not the only way.  The real issue is: can folks disagree in an agreeable way.

The other day I got really angry at my partner and she got angry at me because of how I responded. (I hate to say it maybe she was right).  I though I was justified and she thought I wasn’t.  We were both right and we were both wrong.  What we needed to do was to:
1.    Calm ourselves down
2.    Not be righteous (How dare he / How dare he)
3.    Realize that the anger wasn’t as important as what we did with it.  What we need to do is to let go of our grudges and realize the other person feels as wronged as we do.
4.    Get back to enjoying and supporting each other

In other words, it’s not the out come of the disagreement, that is who is right and who is wrong, it’s how respectful couples are of each other even when the feel angry at the other person.

My last word on the subject – Even though the 4 step process that I have suggested above in this blog works it’s easier said than done.  I know I’ve been there.

My last last words  are:
Respect is a powerful tool in getting past an argument.

Feel fee to email me at drmarty@comcast.net and let me know what you think.                                                                                                                                   Dr. Marty



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