888-281-5850 drmarty@comcast.net

To Divorce or Not to Divorce, That is The Question

This is a question that I got from someone who identifies herself as “Doris”.Dorisis asking whether or not to divorce her husband.

 I’ve been married to my husband for 16yrs, together for 20yrs. Just recently I’ve begun to notice that I’ve become resentful towards my husband as he does nothing by the weekend, holding tight to our finances, won’t let me use the car unless I can explain with good reason as to why I need it for. I know I’ve done wrong & seem to be paying dearly for it, even our kids are paying for it. I’m caught between a rock and a hard place.Should I stay or should I go?! My heart in on the fence outside waiting for me to make up my mind.

 Dr. Marty’s answer:

First I want to start by saying, before you make a decision; you should sit down with a professional counselor and discuss your thoughts with them.  This life choice will have a profound effect you and your family.

 For right now, I’m going to give you some homework.

** Spend some time and make a list of challenges that

 would be most troubling to you if you were to divorce.


** Write (writing is more concrete and can help you think things through)    

    about how you see yourself handling the challenges you will be facing. 

   The idea here is to get a clear picture of what is  involved in your decision,   should you divorce.

 You have three choices:

(1) You can work with your husband to see how things can change. 

 (2) You can get divorced.

 If you are thinking seriously about this option you should develop a plan of action for dealing with the difficult issues you have identified. 

 Before you deal with your husband you have to decide if you are in an emotional place that you can go through the divorce.  If you are not this is an area that counseling can help you with.

(3)  You can go along as you have in the past.

If he absolutely refuses to change or to go to counseling, you then have to decide between divorce and “business as usual”


I know from counseling thousands of couples things never stay the same, they either get better or they get worse and it is only so long folks can deal with the situation as you described it.

My hope is that there is enough caring and love in your relationship that the two of you can work out something either on your own or with a good couple’s counselor.


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