Marriage Counseling

Three Ways To Influence the Conversation With Your Partner Without Saying a Word – Marriage Counseling Tips | Dr. Marty (NJ Marriage Counselor)

You’ve heard it said that it’s not what you say, but how you say it. Here are three things you can be aware of and do (not say) that can really impact positively on your partner. When couples are talking to each other during our couples counseling, I stress how much tone, speed, and volume impact communication.

Tone – Tone reflects attitude.

During couples counseling I have folks listen to the tone of their voice.

Peoples tone during couples counseling will indicate to the partner a certain attitude.  Tone sends a message, and that message can be accepting, or accusing and judgmental. When that attitude is picked up, the other person is likely to become defensive or withdraw.  The job of the marriage counselor is to help folks become aware of the tone, and the impact it has on a discussion.

Often times what folks do during our marriage counseling sessions is an indication of what happens at home.

In our marriage counseling sessions, I ask couples to experiment with talking more slowly to each other.

Speed – It’s important to match your partner’s speed when you communicate with them.  I’m not saying mimic them, but to be aware if you are talking too fast so the person doesn’t have a chance to absorb what you are saying, or conversely too slow, and your partner gets restless waiting for you to finish your thought.

How loudly one person talks to the other not only affects our couples counseling session, but by itself will impact on every discussion or argument a couple has.

Volume – I saved the most important for last.  During couples counseling, I tell people that volume is very important, because loud voices will either result in louder responses, or total withdrawal on your partner’s part.  Volume is also equated with anger.  Many folks feel that if your talking loudly that you are arguing, and arguing only generates heat, not light.

You might have a checklist in your head, and listen to yourself when you are talking with your partner and evaluate yourself in terms of your tone, speed, volume and your constructive use of silence.

As a Marriage Counselor, I believe that marriage counseling is about helping couples become more aware of themselves so they can self correct.

During couples counseling, people learn that communications are about how a message is delivered. A good message with a poor delivery ends up being a bad message.

In my next blog, I will talk about one more very powerful nonverbal factor that I have seen as a marriage counselor – Silence.

To learn more about how to communicate well and strategies I use in Marriage Counseling, you might want to take a look at my book: Negotiation Handbook for Couples: From Conflict to Connection.

Send me a comment on this blog and I’ll take $10 off of my book