Your Marriage Counselor

When It Comes to Relationships Feelings are Everything.

When It Comes to Relationships

Feelings are Everything.

“What’s Your EQ?

The research about the impact of feelings on relationships has been done with thousands of couples who have been helped to both improve normal relationships and repair damaged ones, the key to opening the door for reconnection is known to us as Emotional Intelligence!

My own experience is that during counseling sessions is when I ask a couple about any fights or arguments they may have had since we last met.  On a regular basis, one of them, recalls that they had had a fight where both of them were upset, but both of them are hard pressed to remember what the fight was about, folks remember the feelings much more than they recall the details of the conflict. Has it ever happened to you that you remember being upset much more easily than the specifics of the situation?

Join me on our blog for material that will go into detail about how Emotional Intelligence can heal and improve your relationship.


Emotional Intelligence Saving, Healing & Growing Your Relationship

A place to start is to take this self rating quiz
Rate yourself on a scale of 1 – 7

I understand my emotions
Very little A great deal
I can control them so they don’t do more damage than healing.
Very little A great deal
I am able to express my feelings effectively
Rarely Often
I understand my partner and what really is going on with them. I am able to express my feelings effectively.
Rarely Often
This is the area that are couple’s biggest blind spots. Over 30 years as a marriage counselor and extensive research says that over 60% over estimate their ability to understand their partner. As you learn how to really understand what’s really going on with your partner
you will be more able to:
Influence your partner
Reduce arguments and lessen their intensity and how long they last.
Feel understood yourself by your partner
Feel closer to your partner
0 – 7 total – low E.I.
8 – 16 total – Moderate E.I.
17- 24 total – High E.I.

The 5 Skills of E.I. that can turn things around are:

Recognizing your emotions

(Developing an emotional vocabulary)

Understanding those emotions

 (Figuring out what drives those emotions)

Regulating your emotions

(Self Control)

Expressing your emotions


Understanding the other person’s point of view.

(This is the hard to do especially if you are upset with your partner)

Recognizing your emotions

(Developing an emotional vocabulary). Often times when I ask someone in counseling “What are you feeling?” they have stop and think about it. It’s sometimes hard to put their feelings into words. They may say what they think but not how they feel or they at first can only find one word to describe what’s going on with them and there are usually several feelings that people are having. Basically it’s developing your emotional vocabulary so that you can be emotionally literate

Understanding those emotions

(Figuring out what drives those emotions. Often emotions are complicated and may be connected to may factors both past and present. Taking some time to understand emotions we are feeling, is time well spent to determine where the emotional pain is really coming from.

Regulating your emotions (Self Control)

Understanding your feelings is a good place to start, but how you communicate them will make all the difference in the world, as to how they are received. The louder the voice the less that is heard or silence may fill the air negativity not understanding.

Expressing your emotions (Communication).

Finding a way to talk with your partner that is honest and is not filled with negativity will help to get your message to be heard and to be responded to in a constructive way. Much to therapy is focused on just how to do that.

Understanding the other person’s point of view.

(This is hard especially if we are upset with our partner). The more your partner feels understood the more likely they are to understand you. Understanding is not necessarily agreeing with, them but it is a place to build an emotional bridge.

Emotional Intelligence

Lot’s more to say about emotional intelligence, but will save that for when we meet. A relationship that has a high E.I. is a road map to help couples take the right
path to connected loving relationship.