You think “I need help with my relationship/marriage”. The issues won’t wait
especially with the quarantine . What to do, it may not be safe to see a counselor face to face, at this time, trading one problem for an other. Consider either phone or video counseling. Since March 2020 I’ve been seeing folks remotely it’s an effect way for what we have to deal with right now. Below are 5 things you can do that can really help the process.
5 things you can do to make our phone/video chat most effective
1. Before our first meeting each partner can send an email describing, in whatever depth is comfortable with them their version of the situation.
2. Have a paper and pencil/pen take notes during the session.
3. Review the session with your partner (if we have done a joint session).
4. Keep a journal of things that have occurred during the week that you would like us to discuss.
5. Before our meeting review your journal and prioritize what you would like us to talk about.
Let’s do the best we can with what we have.
As soon as things turn I will welcome you to my office face to face.
Psychological Explanation Of What Causes All Problems In Our Relationship’s.
Certain situations cause us to have a strong negative feelings. For example our partner was unfaithful, they disappeared for a day and didn’t contact us, they are disrespectful,or they insulted our family.
When we have strong feelings of anger or hurt, we then automatically build a story around that negative response and the remembrance of the story causes us to continue to be angry, sad, maybe resentful or possibly many of those feelings.
Every problem we have begins with our feelings and correspondingly for us to get past our issues or to make peace with our partner requires us to be Emotionally Intelligent.
I have developed my own version of EI. using my over 30 years of experience as a couples/marriage counselor having seen thousands of couples, as well as the works of:
1. Dr. John Gottman World renown researcher on Marriage counseling
2. Dr. Marc Brackett Director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence
3. Dr. Daniel Goleman – Popularized the concept of EI in his best seller “Emotional Intelligence
I believe that there are 6 parts to EI in relationships. The first 4 have us focus on ourselves and the last 2 relate to how we respond to our partners.
Identify our feelings & Self awareness,
Effectively communicate those feelings
Regulate those feelings so they don’t become overly aggressive or passive
Self – Care /self compassion
Emotional Intelligence skills that focus on our ability to connect with our partners.
5. Recognition of Partners’ underlying emotions
6. Empathy
1. Identification of Your Emotions & Self Awareness
When I ask folks to identify their feelings, often they can’t do it, instead they tell me their thoughts. Feelings are only one word (i.e sad, happy, anxious, depressed etc…) we will have a number of feelings however in my experience in counseling it is difficult
for folks to identify more than one feeling. You may be angry, but under that you may also feel insecure or unhappy.
Exercise: Think of a significant emotional experience you’ve had.
List 3 feelings that you had about that situation.
1. __________________
2. __________________
3. __________________
How easy was it to name 2 and then find a 3rd feeling?
Self awareness: How often do you stop and take stock of your own emotions. If you are upset with your partner, do you start at 90 miles an hour?
Here’s a way to get a handle on your emotions.
Ask yourself these 2 questions:
How tired or how much energy do I have. Am I physically feeling ill or in pain? If you are in too high an energy state, chances are you might come across as more aggressive, if you are in too low an energy state you might be more negative.
The second question to ask yourself is: What kind of mood am I in? If you are upset, sad, wound up tight vs being calm or feeling O.K. you will come across as more open.
For a more detailed way of figuring out where you are emotionally you can go to:
This page is the result of work that has been done by the Yale Center For Emotional Intelligence which has a highly respected scientific research program, which has influenced much of my thinking in this area.
2. Communication of Emotions Once you identify your feelings how able are you to express them. Crying is an example, may folks cry because they are sad or because they are angry or overwhelmed. Some people go quiet / withdraw others get more aggressive which brings us to the next skill how do you regulate your negative feelings? Once you understand where you are emotionally do you come across in negative ways that are judgmental and rejecting? Do try and understand and have an attitude of compromise and if your partner doesn’t what do you do next?
3. Self Regulation – how often to you “loose your temper”? Learning strategies to convey your feelings with out being judgmental or attacking which turns people off. This emotional skill is the most dramatic and is essential for everything else to work well. If someone comes across to loudly or physically all helpful communication stops. There is an inverse relationship between volume of conversation and really being heard.
The louder the voice the less is heard.
There are many strategies to be used here including
What Marc Bracett and his colleagues call having a
“Meta Moment. It is fortunate that there are many tools to be used for self regulation because if you do not control your response, no amount of emotionally intelligence behavior will be effective.
4. Have a back-up strategy of self – care /self compassion when the communication of your feelings aren’t enough.
Do you take care of your self. Eat properly, exercise, treat yourself without being excessive. Surround yourself with positive supportive people. Sometimes it is not possible to get support even love from your partner, when that’s the case, it’s important to have other resources to make yourself feel cared about. Along with self care is forgiving yourself and finding a way to correct and or to learn from your mistake or regret. Do you give yourself positive self messages and recall the things you are proud of as well. There are many more strategies to be learned during therapy to be self-compassionate.
Let’s discuss the other side of the relationship, with our partner; being able to recognize the full range of emotions of our partner that are generating their response(s) and to see their point of view. For example under anger there can be many feelings: hurt, fear, sadness, jealousy to name a few.
It is a good first step to developing empathy for your partner to focus on the underlying messages. Learning this skill is best done in a safe protected environment. In my office, when a person
feels less threatened they are far more likely to be less defensive and look more deeply into things.
6. Empathy – Is the most difficult level skill in EI..
Empathy is understanding our partners’ feelings, their logic, their point of view, and their reasons for responding and behaving the way they do.
As we’re able to do that, we are able to move toward being compassionate. that is understanding as valid your partner’s point of view.
The idea is that though you do not agree with your partner but you still are respectful. This is a hard skill to develop but to understand the power of this attitude, just imagine how it would feel if your partner treats you the same way. Empathy is taking the high road and being our best self.
To see beyond your partner’s response, and realize the struggle they are having. No one wants to be upset or nasty.
The emotional intelligence process regarding our partner starts with We also make the distinction between compassion and compliance.
Recognition of a partner’s underlying emotions as well as being empathic can go a long way to developing conflict management skills as well as negotiation strategies. *
__
The common factor in all 6 of these skills are that they are all about our emotions.
Emotional intelligence is important because it gets past walls that have been built between us and our partner and helps us
to understand each another. It is the difference between a productive discussion with different opinions and an argument that causes distance and resentment in a relationship.
Our feelings impact on how we: approach, hear, respond, trigger feelings in the other person content gets lost in intense feelings, especially if we have a lot negative history with our partner.
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If you’d like more information about negotiation I would invite you to read my book “Negotiation Handbook for Couples: from conflict to connection”
Lets dig a little deeper and take this short EI quiz
Relationship Emotional Intelligence Questions
It is important that you do this analysis for yourself and not for your partner, remember the higher your emotional Intelligence is, the more influence you will have over the direction of the relationship.
1. How often to you stop and check in with yourself about how you are feeling emotionally and physically?
Rarely Often
1…………………………..5………………………10
2. When I am very upset with my partner I focus on
healing and balancing myself.
Rarely Often
1…………………………..5………………………10
3. How often do I loose your temper when there is
a disagreement.
Rarely Often
1…………………………..5………………………10
4.How well do I understand my partner’s feelings
Very little A great deal
1…………………………..5………………………10
5. Do I allow the other person time to “cool down”
or do you go into attack mode.
Rarely Often
1…………………………..5………………………10
6. How often do I shut down and withdraw
Rarely Often
1…………………………..5………………………10
7. I can depend on my self and know how to take care
of my self in a kind way
You can’t always depend on your partner to do or
say the right thing, even the best person has
sensitive subjects and bad days
Rarely Often
1…………………………..5………………………10
8. How much do I own your part in an argument
and the reason for your strong response-
without trying to justify it by saying “but”?
Rarely Often
1…………………………..5………………………10
9. When I get upset with my partner do I allow
them to speak without interrupting them?
Rarely Often
1…………………………..5………………………10
10. I really hear my partner out even when there is an emotional issue that I totally disagree with.
Rarely Often
1…………………………..5………………………10
Rating less than a 6 on any of these questions could indicate that your Emotional Intelligence would need to improve to provide your partner with needed emotional support.
